Story for My Diary....

Busy Being Fabulous by Eagles playing in the background while I write

Calmness that surrounds me is frightening. Always on a lookout for something to happen, some news to slap my face, some character to ditch me, some love to evaporate before it even sees the daylight and then this sudden calmness makes me delusional. I have forgotten to comprehend life now. I do not understand the twists and turns it holds so I just let the calmness run through my body.

Five in the morning and I decide to step out in the balcony. Oh goodness me…the chill is amazing. I am on top of the cloud and when the mist kisses my cheeks, I feel that warmth, that purity amidst the morning bliss. I stare at the greenery ahead. I look down at the lone hotel that is hidden below and think how romantic a life it is to be living in a place like this. Far away from the busy city, farther away from dust and pollution, and farthest from the scrutiny of humankind. A rich country for its natural beauty and a poor me for not being able to enjoy the enigma of nature… 

Yes, these are moments when self-pity exists. The nature offers me everything and yet, I cannot accept it. The nature lets me be wild and carefree and yet I cannot be. The nature gives me its space and time and yet, I cannot heal myself. The nature tells me I can cry and let go and yet again, I cannot do that for I am so self-conscious. Part of me anticipates for the nature to turn judgmental now, so I wait for that moment for it to start its harsh criticism on my being and hurt me easily. 

But amazingly the nature lets me be me… I look at the horizon and let the story unfold. The feelings, desires, frustrations, acceptance all are bundled within this body of mine. The smile I give perhaps is sensual. The look I give perhaps tells a story. The dancing move I make perhaps is freeing my soul. The laughter I carry is my own. And with this early morning meditative mood, I write a monologue…

I had to write this story, please do not stop me from expressing I say to myself. There I was, sipping Americano and some naughty thoughts running through my mind but I am not questioning anything. I stare at a face sitting on the other table and out of no reason start to analyze it… So what if I always expect his presence in this little coffee shop? So what if I like the way he walks and scans the room. So what if I am not the one he is looking for? So what if he hardly gives me a second glance? I just love the fact that every sip I consume gives me this reason to pretend to be busy yet steal those little-little glances. I pretend to work on my iPad but he would not know that I am dumb at these gadgets. I PRETEND to look very serious. Part of me says oh stop giving him so much of importance but then the other part says, well if that gives you a moment of calmness then why not ☺

One day we happen to share a table by chance at the coffee shop. Ok, I hit the jackpot says my mind. I pretend to sound and act casual but I make sure I glance enough at what he is reading… Camus… not bad! I make a mental note that my next purchase would be Camus. If ever by some divine coincidence we might be sitting together on the same table again, I could take out Camus and perhaps even strike a conversation.

Indeed, for once, after an entire month of ‘one-way traffic’ I happen to coincidentally share that same table with him! I am no teenager with a crush but hey, glances are ageless!!! So engrossed was I in my own story that I failed to see this cute girl come and approach our table. Notice the word “our” here!! I had already built a life there. They hugged and I felt jealous. That hug was bit too personal…to my liking…. Oh yes, he already had become one of the colour in my rainbow. She needed to sit down. An empty chair stood next to me though not directly opposite him because I was sitting exactly opposite him. For the very first time he speaks to me and asks if the seat is free. I give a sweet smile and say “yes” and wonder if he could hear my heartbeat. And sweetly, very sweetly, he asks if I could move so that “she” could sit opposite him. Ohhhh! No feelings to express… I fake a smile and try my best and say, “Oh of course...” The rainbow disappears as he says “Thank you!!!!” I sit for five more minutes or so. It felt like eternity. Eventually I moved away, quietly...

I look at my hands, makes me wonder when will I finish the story of my life. A sudden thought enters my mind and I start to smile. Life moves on and so does the story of my existence. The ambience of this moment, again the mist brushing my face and my clothed body that is naked with expressions teaches me to smile again. The smile turns into laughter…free from all the emotions… but a crazy moment indeed. Hidden in this absolutely perfect location, this is when I forget to rationalize my feelings. I let me be me, and tell myself that in the end nothing matters but the purity of the altruistic love that I get from the ones that truly care!!!!! No words or sound needed but just a look on a face that says you are loved always!!!